Life's Too Short to Even Care At All (Young The Giant, Cough Syrup)

I have not posted anything in nearly a week now. I've been busy, but not really busy. I enjoy this state of laziness where I can alternate between my avocations (reading and watching Buffy) and my obligations (college apps preparation and AP homework). This past week, I've finished: half of government homework, one fourth of chemistry homework, my novel (adeptly named And the World Drops Dead), and a few books (for reading).

As my friends fret over homework and SATs, I've just been chilling. I should be panicking because the load I've prepared to take on surpasses that of most people I know. I enjoy being happily and gradually productive. That way, I can actually learn without over-stressing. I've had bad experiences with cramming where I've really started to harm myself mentally and physically. I've come to the realization that most of my stress is self-inflicted. Like the Young the Giant lyrics, life IS too short to even care at all.  Does that mean that I'm not worried about my incoming AP scores or other crap? No. But I would always like to keep in mind that what I have right now is miraculous. A healthy body, a loving (most of the time) family, and a handful of good friends.

Here's what I did all week: Monday and Tuesday were pretty much a blur. On Wednesday, I received news that my novel was good for publication, so I should be getting my proof copy in the mail in no time at all. I also finished half of my AP government homework on Wednesday at the library, despite only being able to use the computer for two hours. Again, I went to the library on Thursday to meet up with Debbie, who is one of my nearest and dearest friends. We goofed off some and finished up some homework and studying. I really hope she isn't killing herself with all that stress. I don't lack faith in her though, because she was one of the few people who pulled me out of my dark abyss at the end of junior year. She's inherently positive, so I hope we pull through this by January! On Friday, instead of attending CMF, I stayed at home and watched Buffy and read Calvin and Hobbes. I felt pretty sick, complete with a throbbing headache. (Debbie blames it on the high fructose corn syrup in the Ritz she bought me.) Todaaaaay, I woke up at 12 PM and went to the Martin Luther King Library, where I stayed for 6 hours reading Lemony Snicket picture books, Persepolis, and Maus II. That place is pretty much more comfortable than home for me.

Well yes, nothing too eventful has happened since I returned from Canada, where I had such a blast with my colorful relatives and amazing sight-seeing. Tomorrow, I'm going to the beach!

Favorite Quote from Asterios Polyp

"To live (as I understand it) is to exist within a conception of time. 
But to remember is to vacate the very notion of time. 
Every memory, no matter how remote its subject, takes place 'Now,' at the moment it's called to the mind. 
The more something is recalled, the more the brain has a chance to refine the original experience. 
Because every memory is a re-creation, not a playback." 

Favorite Scene from "Cheers"

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.

Coach: You look just like your mother.

Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.

Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

I'm pretty beat right now. I just returned home from Toronto. Canada is gorgeous, and I love my mother's family, everyone having such colorful personalities. My grandmother literally cried when we left, whereas my grandmother here is cool and distant.

It's time for me to do hard work now, I guess. I'll blog more about my experience later, and I'll be sure to upload pictures. For now? Buffy.

So tired. Have to write. Haven't started yet though. Ideas are jotted down. Just want to sleep. And relax. Forever.

I know that most people speculate me and my friend as a couple mainly because we always hang out together and because we're both not too socially savvy. And because we're "smart."

But in a lot of ways, Andy is right. In some parallel universe not so different from this one, I think we could be a couple if we weren't both so overwhelmed with life. We're not compatible because we're both smart or awkward or anything. We have an honest relationship. I want to keep it this way. It could only work as a deeply honest, albeit platonic relationship. 

I'm not ready for love. I'm still incapable of loving myself, and it's difficult to receive love if you can't love yourself first. 

Okay, I love Canada. I love the relatives on my mother's side. They're so honest to the point of being as blunt as my friend Kevin, but I love their sincerity. They say what's on their mind. Rough edges are there, but the crassness eases me. I befriended my cousin (who's so freaking sweet and badass by the way) in the matter of minutes. Am I still awkward? Yeah....I've been cranking up the Vietnamese more (although it's the language I primarily speak at home). I'm living in my wheelchaired aunt and grandma's apartment, and they're such cordial hostesses! 

Yesterday, I went to Casa Loma, a castle founded in 1912 by a Kiwanis. It's absolutely gorgeous and so rustic! My brother and I walked up the spiral staircases to the highest part of the tower. It's amazing to look from so high up and catch a view of the city from very high. Later, my aunts, mom, grandma, cousin, and dad went down to Chinatown! The walk was pretty tiring, but it's so alive there. People are scattered about, the prices are cheap, and the city is so cultured. I heard jazz and saw a drunk hobo there, har har har.

We went to my other aunt's house later. It scares me how much she and I think alike, except she has a pretty dark history. My mother and I couldn't be more of opposites, even though she's basically a prettier version of me. My mother reminds me of Laura Brown and Mildred Montag, layering herself with materialism and beauty to reel over the listlessness in her life. It saddens me sometimes.

I don't think my uncle Minh really approves of me though, even though I respect him the most. He seems to coldly rebuff me. His voice sort of reminds me of this boy who went to my school named Wen Soon, although his personality is a lot more like my friend Kevin's. He's extremely smart, computer-affiliated and most of all, blunt. Kevin's a load more considerate though. I don't know. He seems to look at me like how every other teenage boy does at first. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough. He did try to joke with me a little, but it felt forced. 

He asked me if I had a boyfriend. Sigh.