After going on a post-deleting spree, I confronted one realization: these past few weeks have been adverse for me. Sleeping for maybe 3-4 hours a day and experiencing narcolepsy at inappropriate times, I've barely been able to get work done. I've been unable to articulately express myself because I've been so tired and messy, and I've been so worried about being unattractive to a particular person. Tape and glue has held me together for the past month, life pushing me beyond my boundaries. The experience reminded me of the backhanded complacency of first semester sophomore year again. I am ashamed.
The things that apprehend/disappoint me right now: SAT score, French grade, impending doom of AP exams, the fear that my creativity as a writer is over, officer results.
The only good that has come out of stress is my ability to say "no" to people. Living my life as a people pleaser, I think this is the first point in my life where I'm able to assertively reject people. Although disillusioning me from ever being an optimist again, high school has helped me develop independent thought, carry compassion, and harness empathy. I'm happily able to say that I am a hopeful realist more than anything who can get past being a doormat.
I shouldn't even sweat it. I'm luckier than 75% of the world, including the orphaned children in Africa dying of AIDS and the devastated people in Japan. I'm lucky.
Going back to my point. Looking back at freshman year, I can't believe how many of my acquaintances then have become extremely close friends to me. I still seek solitude, but there are people who I care about deeply and two or three I can talk to. Presenting a placid and calm face to the world, I am a vicarious mess inside. It's weird; I'm incessantly fascinated by people, but I'm a welcomed observer rather than an actual important role. And yet, I can't help but feel such strong emotions through the lives of other people rather than my own. Oh, I digress. I'm distant, but there are a certain handful of people I couldn't survive high school without.
Relationship-wise, I'm still alone. The sad thing is, only creeps ever ask me out (most recent one from sophomore year). When I think about the people who've ever asked me out, I wonder why they like me. I'm just Stacey. Quiet, bookish Stacey who's awfully neurotic and orderless. Come on, I am so petulant and impetuous, it's not even funny. I do things based on my whims.
D., K., & T. know who I like. It's emotionally disgusting--a schoolgirl crush, except I show no signs of interest. Even if my secret did leak out (though I doubt it, because they are trustworthy introverts like myself), my Type A & D personality will affirm him of sarcasm rather than deep affection (respect). He's a deeply complex, incessantly fascinating character. He's intelligent, talented, and amicable, and I harness respect for him. That's all. I don't expect reciprocation.
D., K., & T. know who I like. It's emotionally disgusting--a schoolgirl crush, except I show no signs of interest. Even if my secret did leak out (though I doubt it, because they are trustworthy introverts like myself), my Type A & D personality will affirm him of sarcasm rather than deep affection (respect). He's a deeply complex, incessantly fascinating character. He's intelligent, talented, and amicable, and I harness respect for him. That's all. I don't expect reciprocation.
Despite loneliness, I've learned to love this year, big time. My experiences as a tutor and a volunteer in the community have just opened up my eyes to the different people of the world. As a tutor, I've met so many diverse young people, each with a different story. Many are bright and motivated, but there are a handful who are deeply complex and misunderstood, and I especially empathize with them. My rapport with my freshmen students, Jose and Kevin, has deepened over the past few months, and we're starting to earn mutual respect for each other. I am extremely proud of their accomplishments, and they've grown so much since we've met. I would also like to especially thank Kerington, Sonny, Alex, and Thienson for being my friends too. Oh yes, additionally, my experiences as a volunteer has helped me reach out to those who were originally like me, misunderstood and shy. Never forget the importance of small acts of kindness.
Honestly, the stress of high school isn't relationships as much as it is academics. I am extremely grateful for my educational opportunities, but school gets on my nerves way too often. People ask me what my dream college is. I immediately reply, Pomona College. Well, of course I want to go there. Humanities and science? Boner! I honestly would feel extremely comfortable in an underrated liberal arts college. One predicament: My grades are mediocre and my SAT score's off by 350 points (seriously, a 2300 as a target score). I need to try harder. The thought of college just makes me shudder. Realistically, here's my list of schools to apply to: Cal, UCLA, UCSD, Davis, Irvine, U-Dub, NYU, with the first two being the far-reach school. Idealistically: Hopkin's, Reed, Wesleyan, Sarah Lawrence. Yeah, get me out of California.
I'm filling out an application at the moment for a UC Berkeley scholarship. The personal statements are difficult, and my chances of getting in are low. It's okay though. Longshot, so might as well try!
Well, the month is ahead of me. Call me crazy, but I'm planning to sign up for the SAT II for Math II and US History in May, which is when the AP exams hit hard. Signing up for the SAT I in June too. I've got to keep moving on. I can do this.
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