This morning, I woke up at 9:30, spending an entire night watching "Lars and the Real Girl," a drama about a lonely, depressed young man who's under the delusion that his sex doll is a flesh-and-blood woman. If it weren't for Gosling's poignant performance, this movie would've been a joke. But I thought that the emotional aspect of the movie was exceptional, especially since Lars uses Bianca the doll as both a medium for the real world and a pseudo-friend.
Abundant, deep studying elucidates my understanding of calculus. My mind is still at ease even when confronted with a strange word problem! I'm still pathetically behind my study schedule, so I hope to catch up the next few days. Calculus, Lang, History, Math II.
School has merely kept me busy and distracted the past few days. Good news is, I've been more articulate and assertive in class, yay! I've been finding myself to enjoy English much more than I originally did, and Madame Treadgold is really nice, even if she called me out for eating in class.
I'm so proud of Kevin Phan :) He's done with math recovery now! Today's also his birthday! So, so proud of him. You help someone for a few months, and now they're finally on their own, spreading their own wings and making their own flights.
Today in recovery, I met Kevin! He's from Taiwan, and he speaks Mandarin, but his English is almost flawless! He's turning 18, but he's enrolled as a junior. Kevin wants to be a tutor at Gear-Up too. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.
I want to be happy, in all aspects of my life. I'm in a predicament here, and I can't quite describe it without revealing it. I'm a little scared of rejection and even confrontation, but I really want to take a chance in relationships. My prudent friend cautions me against it, since it would ruin a perfectly healthy friendship, and that's kind of selfish. Plus I sense that my feelings aren't reciprocated. Oh well.
I'm starting to consider undertaking loneliness for the rest of my life. My mother has been feeling her societal restraints as a domestic mother, and it saddens me a little because I worry I might end up recognizing the same sorrowful complacency as she did. The relationships around me seldom last. Rarely have I seen love anywhere. Both people in a relationship are tools. The girl's a pretty thing the boy can show off, and the boy's someone the girl can depend on for expenses. I really want to take a chance for once in my life, but it would just show me how impetuous of a fool I am.
I look at everyone close around me, and I feel so proud of their accomplishments and so loving towards their distinct and beautiful personalities. I really don't know what I have to offer as a girlfriend or even as a friend. I'm not the brightest and I'm not the most talented. I'm not pretty. I have no social grace and very few friends. I'm honest and nurturing, but who wants to be friends with their mother?
I was really lonely in elementary school and middle school. High school's different. I feel alienated, except most people welcome me. I'm not quite a friend, but I'm not an enemy. I keep everything at a comfortable distance. No matter what I do, I'll still always be the oddball, and I'm starting to question if this quality is as endearing as I depict it to be.
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