What have I been doing for the last 4 days? Crying a lot. Alternating between sad indie music and Plath and Neruda poetry. (And Ginsberg. Lots and lots of that disillusioned Beat Generation poetry.) Going back to cutting, though now that I confess it, I feel obligated not to do it. You know how they say pain releases endorphins? I adhere to that belief. My life has been this cycle of depression, numbness, and then ephemeral happiness. And truth be told, it fucking sucks. And cutting? It distracts me. It renders me weak and numbs my emotional pain for a while. And I become scared as hell of myself.
I've just been so tired. And even worse, I've become a cesspool for people to dump their vents into whereas I can't even deal with my own personal issues. Today was a test of fortitude. APUSH left me feeling guilty beyond hell and I felt terribly awkward around (let's call him) Harry Potter. I cut and cried, and no one even suspected me of doing anything, except for Andy. Yep. You know how horrible your day is going when the highlight of your day occurs when David Lam threatens to throw your flashlight in the garbage.
But there were a lot of positive things about today that I've neglected to talk about. For example, Mrs. Clark, the obdurate, overly nosy German substitute was kind to me at lunch. She offered me her umbrella when she saw me sitting in the rain (crying). Though a slaughterer of French literature, Mrs. Clark has been kind to me. In class, she even talked about the importance of self-confidence (she goes on digressions like this, dear Lord). Also, talking to David after school really did make me feel better. I absolutely abhorred him in freshman year, perceiving him as cocky and a little self-righteous, but I find myself a little touched by his ability to listen. Well, our conversations always seem to turn out with empty threats, but whatever. Oh yeah, and the board celebration was after seventh period. I really have to thank Tina, John, Julie, and Helen for their words of inspiration. Even though I didn't make Interact office, I felt really touched by their messages regarding self-confidence and personal growth. I couldn't have met a kinder, more dedicated group of individuals. I hope them all the best.
I told Debbie and Thienson everything a few hours ago. Debbie's right. I distance myself from people and wait for magical fixes, which is against my inherently personable nature. I shouldn't do that, honestly because Debbie will always be there for me. So will Kevin, Andy, and Thienson. I do have friends, and I don't need to sink myself into the quicksand of solitude. I have Andy to talk about quirky, light-hearted subjects. I have Kevin to nurture my intellectual side. I have Thienson to talk about my feelings and aspirations. I have my people. I just need self-confidence.
Today, Thienson told me that I would make a great older sister, and that really touched me. It's really strange how our friendship grew from unrequited crushes. He always talks about that beautiful, energetic, optimistic girl and I always talk about that curt, literate, wry, kindhearted boy. I love the unconventionality of our friendship. The junior and the freshman. The devout Catholic and the iconoclastic atheist. Two minutes into our friendship, Pearl Buck Guy (he had a copy of The Good Earth) told me that I was going to die in Hell. I can't help but smile.
And speaking of that curt, literate, wry, kindhearted boy? Aren't relationships so much better when you don't consciously realize you like a person. Three months ago, he was just the guy I could share a dirty joke with or complain with. We were just standoffish kids who both had a few good friends, a penchant for books, and a wry sense of humor. Hell, three years ago, I found him to be a little too smug. But things change so quickly, don't they?
I never believed in God, but I sure as hell believe in miracles. I hope I can return back to impartial, awkward as phuque, realistic Stacey, though if I do retain tenderness, that would be great. Things will get better. Try not to be neurotic. Stay calm.
/rant.
Oh, this is irrelevant, but hilarity ensued (to me) in PE today when Mr. Barr cited the Equal Rights Amendment. Sorry dude, it doesn't exist yet thanks to asshats like Phyllis Schlafly.
And Julie? Thanks for reading this. To know that another living being is reading this just makes me feel so relieved and safe. :)
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