Favorite Quote from Asterios Polyp

"To live (as I understand it) is to exist within a conception of time. 
But to remember is to vacate the very notion of time. 
Every memory, no matter how remote its subject, takes place 'Now,' at the moment it's called to the mind. 
The more something is recalled, the more the brain has a chance to refine the original experience. 
Because every memory is a re-creation, not a playback." 

Favorite Scene from "Cheers"

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.

Coach: You look just like your mother.

Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.

Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

I'm pretty beat right now. I just returned home from Toronto. Canada is gorgeous, and I love my mother's family, everyone having such colorful personalities. My grandmother literally cried when we left, whereas my grandmother here is cool and distant.

It's time for me to do hard work now, I guess. I'll blog more about my experience later, and I'll be sure to upload pictures. For now? Buffy.

So tired. Have to write. Haven't started yet though. Ideas are jotted down. Just want to sleep. And relax. Forever.

I know that most people speculate me and my friend as a couple mainly because we always hang out together and because we're both not too socially savvy. And because we're "smart."

But in a lot of ways, Andy is right. In some parallel universe not so different from this one, I think we could be a couple if we weren't both so overwhelmed with life. We're not compatible because we're both smart or awkward or anything. We have an honest relationship. I want to keep it this way. It could only work as a deeply honest, albeit platonic relationship. 

I'm not ready for love. I'm still incapable of loving myself, and it's difficult to receive love if you can't love yourself first. 

Okay, I love Canada. I love the relatives on my mother's side. They're so honest to the point of being as blunt as my friend Kevin, but I love their sincerity. They say what's on their mind. Rough edges are there, but the crassness eases me. I befriended my cousin (who's so freaking sweet and badass by the way) in the matter of minutes. Am I still awkward? Yeah....I've been cranking up the Vietnamese more (although it's the language I primarily speak at home). I'm living in my wheelchaired aunt and grandma's apartment, and they're such cordial hostesses! 

Yesterday, I went to Casa Loma, a castle founded in 1912 by a Kiwanis. It's absolutely gorgeous and so rustic! My brother and I walked up the spiral staircases to the highest part of the tower. It's amazing to look from so high up and catch a view of the city from very high. Later, my aunts, mom, grandma, cousin, and dad went down to Chinatown! The walk was pretty tiring, but it's so alive there. People are scattered about, the prices are cheap, and the city is so cultured. I heard jazz and saw a drunk hobo there, har har har.

We went to my other aunt's house later. It scares me how much she and I think alike, except she has a pretty dark history. My mother and I couldn't be more of opposites, even though she's basically a prettier version of me. My mother reminds me of Laura Brown and Mildred Montag, layering herself with materialism and beauty to reel over the listlessness in her life. It saddens me sometimes.

I don't think my uncle Minh really approves of me though, even though I respect him the most. He seems to coldly rebuff me. His voice sort of reminds me of this boy who went to my school named Wen Soon, although his personality is a lot more like my friend Kevin's. He's extremely smart, computer-affiliated and most of all, blunt. Kevin's a load more considerate though. I don't know. He seems to look at me like how every other teenage boy does at first. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough. He did try to joke with me a little, but it felt forced. 

He asked me if I had a boyfriend. Sigh. 

SO ESSITED.

So like, I should sleep right now because it's 4AM in the morning and I'm pretty sure my lack of sleep is contributing to my bipolar, borderline suicidal, melodramatic personality, but I'm so excited for Canada! I'm leaving for Canada TOMORROW night. There's no Wi-Fi, but I'm secretly excited to buy souvenirs for all my friends and visit all these museums and castles and places! (Can't even articulate myself).

I'm also excited to see Sylvia again for the Chinese Moon Festival. I don't think she remembers me, but I just frickalickin' love her! She's the sweetest, most CORDIAL lady ever!

It kind of takes off the edge of my stress.

Lamest dream ever last night though. I was probably channeling APUSH, but I dreamed that I was bundling with a cute white boy at NYU, which is currently my dream school. (Although I'm sure I can't afford it.) Bundling's kind of like spooning. In the 17th century, engaged couples would just sleep together with no sex. 

Sad fact: Tomorrow is the first day I will be going outside for two weeks. And where am I going? To the library and Target. 

regardez-mois, je suis le plus beau de quartier

I finished watching "Conversations with Other Women," starring Helena Bonham Carter. I really love how witty the film is. The split screen didn't annoy me at all. It just makes me want to have a chance to talk to certain people about how I used to feel about them, you know? Anyway, I've been on a Helena Bonham Carter marathon, watching "The Wings of the Dove" before I watched this. She's a wonderful actress. I love her.

Being the Carla Bruni fan I am, I squeed when I learned that most of the movie's soundtrack was sung by her! This is my favorite song from the movie. Has a nice beat.

I really wish I could play the piano better.....

But this is a nice song:

this just makes me cooler than everyone

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I'm feeling kind of nostalgic, but it's weird you know? Ever since the test ended around noon, I have felt so much more liberated, even if I don't have any idea what to expect for my results. My scores could be horrible. They could be delightful. They could be disappointing, but hopeful.

I'm finding it harder to miss those who were close to me. I'm so proud of myself for learning to let go. Here's Stacey letting go of the bittersweet past and a past neurotic, spontaneous self.

It's strange.  How the people I thought I'd miss the most, I'm actually forgetting quicker. Maybe I've become resilient, possibly harshly stoic enough to be this apathetic. Perhaps it's the listening to "Tiny Vessels" a hundred times.

I watched a few clips from TEDTalks last night, and I came across a speech by the author of Eat Pray Love. Elizabeth Gilbert brought up an interesting idea--the perception of how artists are these dark, twisted, manic-depressive souls whose creativity spawn from their troubled lives. I admit to attempting to be a creative individual. Writing is an odd passion for me; a lot of times I try to back away from it because I am afraid of criticism.  But I am the author of countless fanfiction and two novels, so what the hell, damn, I'm a writer. I also happened to have suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. My mind is a squalor of debauchery and unspoken twists and turns.

I guess my point is, creativity is a scary process. Which brings me to a fearful fact: I am obligated to finish my novel in two weeks, design, plot, additional stories and all. Oh, and the editing process is GODAWFUL. And I'm a little scared. But I can do this, while getting fit, fixing my skin, and getting my nerd on. No big deal.

tirez

I am looking for cutesy, philosophically enlightening books. Like The Little Prince. Or anything by Roald Dahl. Or any cute children's story will do. (I liked Oscar Wilde's fairytales.) Because I am the type of person who fucking cries over children's stories.

Updates on my life? None really. I haven't been doing much except pig out, read graphic novels, visit libraries, study for the SAT, and WATCH BUFFY. (SO FUCKING BADASS.) 

Other than that, t-minus 2 days until the SAT. Have to review mistakes from the big fat blue book now. Hip hip hooray -____-" Collegeboard, don't kill me again.

Plans for POST-SAT
1) Finish Diaphaniety, my dystopian-ish novel from NaNoWriMo.
2) GO TO CANADA LAND AND PRACTICE MY FAUXTOGRAPHY SKILLZ AND VISIT CHINATOWN AND CASA LOMA AND SHOPPING CENTERS AND GO ON A PLANE AND AND AND AND HISTORY MUSEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMZ YEEEEAH (I am the single person who would be excited to have prom at a science/history museum, yeeeeah).
3) Possibly go down the Berkeley for the IAP thing!
4) FUCK YOU 4 AP CLASSES.
5) Get into jump roping and jogging to slim down
6) Work on my wardrobe and go buy toner for my sporadic skin oil production
7) Learn how to cook healthy foods (because I need to learn how to cook. Serious-fuckingly.)
8) WORK ON MY BOOK LIST

TOODLES VERY MUCH,

STACEY-O (I AM SO HIPSTER)