let go

I'm so nervous and worried about everything. Emailing my teacher regarding my stupidity in forgetting to turn in papers. SES notification. SAT in weeks. Calculus. APUSH. People. My mother. :| I just want to let go of everything, but I can't do that.

Dear Kevin,

I hate you too. No, I don't. I don't even know how I'd survive junior year without venting to you. I really care about you, not in any romantic kind of way, but in a Clarissa to Richard kind of way, where I'm the complacently domesticized lesbian with a happy family, and you're my talented, sadpanda gay best friend who's dying of AIDS. (How many times have I used this analogy?) I'm really sorry your message went to waste but I was really crazy, fucked up impulsive last night. Thanks for helping.

Sincerely, 

Stacey

PS, I don't even know if you read my blog. 

i've broken my heart so many times i've stopped keepin' track

I feel kind of bummed out about calculus today. I think with my FRQ's, I would've barely gotten a 3 on CollegeBoard's old standards. But I have to keep trying. Keep practicing. Try not to stress. Rinse, repeat.

Listening to piano music sure does help though. I've been listening to the Ouran High School Host Club's (old anime of my middle school years) soundtrack. It helps. I think I'll start AP lang homework right now, and consider it practice for the English test as well as some down time for myself because I love reading.

Edit: Actually a low 4. I hope it will be like that for the real exam :I

romantic disillusionment

: you will never have a man who likes your for your ideas or personality

EM FORSTER YOU LIED TO ME GEORGE IS HOT :'(

And They Were All Yellow

Friday: DBQ & Interact Benefit Show! Benefit Show was a fantastic way to kick off spring break. Despite the kinks and time-delay, the performances were wonderful and I had a great night. Summer Breeze, Janki, Brian Dublin, and Jam Zummel had amazing performances. Also, someone accidentally dropped their soda during Vintry's performance, which was a little uncalled for, but nevertheless hilarious because some girl in the front seat rolled off the bleachers as if a bomb had been set off. I shouldn't laugh. Still, the night amazed me!

(All pictures stolen from Peter Wu, by the way).

Saturday: I went to the Tech Museum and visited the Body World Exhibit with my father. I love how the place always leaves me with a sense of wonder. Even though I'm a lol moderately obdurate atheist, it really amazes me how we intricately evolved over time. The human body, a beautiful machine comprised of countless vessels and fragile, yet strong muscles, never ceases to leave me breathless. The last time I visited this exhibit, I was in 8th grade. Now, backed up with so much knowledge from a yearlong study of AP biology, the exhibit left me completely in love.

(Aren't I so pensive!)

I just love the exhibit. Besides the fact that it stirs up the science nerd in me, it also makes me contemplate upon subjects like philosophy and religion as well as human mortality. Simply. Amazing. I'm also very grateful that my dad came along with me because we're not very close, and this exhibit sort of acted like a bridge between my interests and his willingness to my interests. I love my father; he reminds me a lot of myself. We're both quiet and awkward.

And yes, I spent the rest of the day mindlessly working out calculus problems while talking with my chola, Kevin Belleville. He's like the Richard to my Clarissa; my fragile, gay best friend suffering from AIDS--I'm not actually a jerk. It's an allusion to The Hours.

Tonight, I went over to my cousin's house to celebrate her 6th birthday. Me, Shannon, and Crystal watched a horror movie and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm impervious to horror movies, and it's freaking hilarious when people get scared watching them. I told Shannon that I had a feeling about someone asking me out to prom but me quickly saying that I had plans on Saturday. She was astonished, confused that anyone would ask me because I'm mean and rude. Oh, she knows me too well.

On a positive note, plenty of cute prom pictures to stalk tonight, people! Whereas I, acerbic plain Jane Stacey with a dislike for societal roles, will just go study for calculus some more.

To err is human, to forgive is divine--Alexander Pope

Today was so incredibly lousy. I don't have the ability to craft my words today, but I feel like my thoughts are powerful enough to be conveyed with colloquial diction.

I'm  human. I have feelings, too. Just because I'm quiet or placid most of the time, it does not mean that I am a doormat for people to abusively step on. I am so tired of being the person to trust and the person to make everyone feel better when in return, no one even tries to comfort me when I am evidently upset. People can be so incredibly inconsiderate and selfish. My rapports with people feel like obligations rather than real friendships. I throw myself all in, get nothing in return. My expectations of people have gone up. I have been tamed by human tenderness, and I'm not sure if I like it. I feel like the rose from The Little Prince. I'm just a silly little thing who's going to die because of neglect.

Crap just accumulated today. I woke up in tears, literally, after realizing that I woke up at 7:15 and had class in 5 minutes. Mrs. Saraswathy just smiled when I arrived 10 minutes late, but I still felt ashamed. People sitting (certain people in particular) around me in English were terribly inconsiderate and rude today, and I won't say why. Seriously, I used to respect and even admire them. Now, I just feel so fucking disillusioned. I am always nervous to voice out my ideas in that class because everyone makes me feel like a little unimportant dot. I have been bullied too many times by people in that class. I sound monstrously stupid, but I'm shy, that's all. I'm so glad that most classes are based on the criteria of hard work rather than intelligence because if classes were based on ingeniousness and verbal articulateness, then I would be seriously fucked.

So because of my fantastic day, I just cried at break. I am so tired of crying at school. I cry because I am no longer naive to the inconsiderateness and obliviousness of people. I was so naive, truly holding faith in someone who turned out to be just as incredibly insensitive as the rest of them are. Shit happens, oh well.

Still, I do have maybe one or two good friends left. Julie's single-line message really helped me feel more at ease with all the crap that's been happening lately. Thienson also sat with me and tried to make me laugh when I was crying at break. There's a voice in my head that's going, "Good people exist!"

I inherently believe that people are good, which is why I feel forgiving to the all the jerks of today.I try to look beyond their rough exteriors and deep inside their minds and hearts. But sometimes, I can't help but feel if I am just trying to make people better than they seem.

My visit to Stanford disillusioned me. Stanford’s a beautiful and wonderful school, but just visiting the campus alone made me realize that it’s not the school for me. It has an overwhelmingly scholarly aria, and the walk around the campus felt kind of lonely. I guess what I want to say is that I don’t really want to go there. I would rather go to a small, elitist liberal arts college OR a more amicable public school (i.e. a UC or CSU). It’s not like I have the grades or extracurriculars for Stanford anyway.

Sitting with Sarah on the charter bus made me feel pretty comfortable because I could talk to her and Annie. There are some cliques in the class, but I think everyone is relatively approachable in French (lots of Stover kids, actually).  The tour around the museum was pretty boring, except the tour guide reminded me of an overly zealous five-year-old high on candy. After the tour, we ate lunch. (At least me and Annie did. Sarah went to the ripoff café.) After lunch, we went on campus and saw more of Rodin’s works. Our group went inside the church, which was really pretty. It reminded me of when I still wanted a huge church wedding. I don’t really believe in marriage anymore, but enough of that iconoclastic bs; I digress.

I regretted not looking at more of the contemporary art in the museum. Maybe I’ll visit during the summer.

Here are two of my favorite pieces in the museum. The painting is by Lobdell, and I absolutely love it because of the bright colours and symbolism of unity, integration, and fitting in. It also reminded me of biology’s allosteric regulation and enzyme-substrate complex, and y’all know how much I love biology. The statue is Rodin’s “Eve.” Though she is a biblical character, I love Eve because her statue evokes feelings of shame, alienation, and sorrow. She just looks so sad and distraught. She reminds me of myself. Pathetic.

Well, that’s it. I have to get to work on English and math.

Religion.

Let's not talk about my day today, but rather about something stimulating! RELIGION.

My parents raised me as a humanistic Buddhist, although strictly speaking, Buddhism has no God. Religion was never an integral part of my life, and recollections of childhood practices include nothing more than lighting incense for Tet or death anniversaries. Often as a child, the thought of death horrified me. I thought about it almost constantly, but I have to admit, I never believed in a higher being to escape the fear of death. In a way, religion is also very symbolic, instilling values in cultural practices like praying. I've never looked at the world very symbolically, even if I do consider myself an amateur writer. I like tangible details, though I am a very intuitive person.

I now consider myself an atheist. I don't believe there is a God, but I sure as hell do believe in miracles. Just look at history...there are so many miracles of humanity. Scientific discoveries around every corner. The theory of relativity. Cell theory. The development of beautiful languages. The hotness of Joseph Gordon Levitt. To me, belief and hope seem...stagnant. Pray for Japan? Go help relief efforts. Pray for an AIDS patient? Help contribute to the cure fiscally or scientifically! Additionally, during a period of disillusionment for me a few years back, I have discovered some religious people to be insipidly sanctimonious as well as damaging to the rights of nonbelievers. Fundamentalists scare me, especially with their ignorant claims on topics like abortion and gay marriage. Sorry, the earth was not made 6,000 years ago. Personal religious practices and beliefs are fine. Just don't try to infringe on the rights of others.

With that being said, I really do admire some religions being able to bring people together in times of crisis. I guess religion gives people the spiritual idea that something higher other than themselves exists. Lots of good has been influenced by religion, but like Kurt Vonnegut said, you don't need religion to do humanistic deeds. Religion helps people cope with the idea of human mortality and dissect moral conflicts within themselves. It helps people move on, and it helps people work together. But it's also a catalyst to the loss of identity and the assimilation of indigenous culture as well as the culprit behind wars and conflicts. Yeah, just an agnostic atheist ramblin' coolstorykbai

I wonder why I'm still up. I have class at 7 and a DBQ at 8:20 AM. Painfully practicing asceticism all weekend (aka went technologically DEPRIVED), I finished quite a few review books for my upcoming exams. Worried still am I. Look at that inverted sentence.

Pretty much forcing myself not to use the computer, I picked up my copy of Brave New World and started reading. Boy, science fiction really knocks a girl off her feet. This book is disturbingly hilarious, even more so when you discover it was written in 1932. The details are gruesome and the whole idea of a society where recreational sex is encouraged and nuclear families are frowned upon just humors me even more. My favorite part of the book was when the scientists executed the Pavlovian method on the babies by forcing them to associate books and flowers with a disturbing noise. Hilarious. 

Even though the doom of AP exams approaches me,  I am still worried about other things. I worry about the progress of my novel, or lack thereof. NaNoWriMo was successful this year, but I still need to work on editing that suicidal mess (literally). I worry that my writing skills aren't adequate enough, and that I'll do poorly on the lang exam. Worry, worry, worry. Woe is me. 

Fungenda for tomorrow:

(1) Study for Calculus Test

(2) Last podcast of the year

(3) Crucible reading perhaps

(4) French assignment?

(5) Chemistry?

(6) Finish Calculus for Dummies

(7) Take SAT II Math II test from CB

(8) Work on Applications of Derivatives Barron's

(9) Take 1 MC for Lang Prep

(10) Finish Barron's for SAT II History

     = What I can get done in school with perserverence. 

I think I might skip tutoring tomorrow to do work on this :\ It's a shame because I won't get to see Jose! He's taking his last test. EVER. For Gear-Up.

Math and history suck. THEY SUCK A LOT. Time. Why do I not have you?

Going to bring this Princeton Math II MF down by 2AM with intense studying.

When the night has come, and the land is dark

Keep pushing on.

This morning, I woke up at 9:30, spending an entire night watching "Lars and the Real Girl," a drama about a lonely, depressed young man who's under the delusion that his sex doll is a flesh-and-blood woman. If it weren't for Gosling's poignant performance, this movie would've been a joke. But I thought that the emotional aspect of the movie was exceptional, especially since Lars uses Bianca the doll as both a medium for the real world and a pseudo-friend. 

Abundant, deep studying elucidates my understanding of calculus. My mind is still at ease even when confronted with a strange word problem! I'm still pathetically behind my study schedule, so I hope to catch up the next few days. Calculus, Lang, History, Math II.

School has merely kept me busy and distracted the past few days. Good news is, I've been more articulate and assertive in class, yay! I've been finding myself to enjoy English much more than I originally did, and Madame Treadgold is really nice, even if she called me out for eating in class. 

I'm so proud of Kevin Phan :) He's done with math recovery now! Today's also his birthday! So, so proud of him. You help someone for a few months, and now they're finally on their own, spreading their own wings and making their own flights.

Today in recovery, I met Kevin! He's from Taiwan, and he speaks Mandarin, but his English is almost flawless! He's turning 18, but he's enrolled as a junior. Kevin wants to be a tutor at Gear-Up too. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.

I want to be happy, in all aspects of my life. I'm in a predicament here, and I can't quite describe it without revealing it. I'm a little scared of rejection and even confrontation, but I really want to take a chance in relationships. My prudent friend cautions me against it, since it would ruin a perfectly healthy friendship, and that's kind of selfish. Plus I sense that my feelings aren't reciprocated. Oh well. 

I'm starting to consider undertaking loneliness for the rest of my life.  My mother has been feeling her societal restraints as a domestic mother, and it saddens me a little because I worry I might end up recognizing the same sorrowful complacency as she did. The relationships around me seldom last. Rarely have I seen love anywhere. Both people in a relationship are tools. The girl's a pretty thing the boy can show off, and the boy's someone the girl can depend on for expenses. I really want to take a chance for once in my life, but it would just show me how impetuous of a fool I am. 

I look at everyone close around me, and I feel so proud of their accomplishments and so loving towards their distinct and beautiful personalities. I really don't know what I have to offer as a girlfriend or even as a friend. I'm not the brightest and I'm not the most talented. I'm not pretty. I have no social grace and very few friends. I'm honest and nurturing, but who wants to be friends with their mother? 

I was really lonely in elementary school and middle school. High school's different. I feel alienated, except most people welcome me. I'm not quite a friend, but I'm not an enemy. I keep everything at a comfortable distance. No matter what I do, I'll still always be the oddball, and I'm starting to question if this quality is as endearing as I depict it to be. 

Ode by Arthur O’Shaughnessy [1844-1881]

0de

We are the music-makers, 
And we are the dreamers of dreams, 
Wandering by lone sea-breakers, 
And sitting by desolate streams; 
World-losers and world-forsakers, 
On whom the pale moon gleams: 
Yet we are the movers and shakers 
Of the world for ever, it seems 
 

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities.
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion art empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample in empire down.
 

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth.
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

Confidence makes me feel happier, but I also feel a lot bitchier. OH WELL, LE CHATELIER'S LAW, YOU GAIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.

Today was a great day. I just felt a lot more assertive and creative. CHECK DIS OUT, EMULATIN' HEMINGWAY RIGHT HAAAAR:

His eyes, bright and undefeated, lit up, colored like the sea. His left hand, lined with deep-crease scars from overworking, trembled. Watching him morosely with her soft azure eyes, Astrid took his left hand and squeezed it between her two soft palms. 

By the way, Alex is a hot nihilistic time traveler and Astrid has the power of empathy.

Non sequitur: I always thought it was hilarious that Sanrio is a manipulative capitalist corporation. Hello Kitty isn't cute.

I'm subconsciously committing suicide.

My blog is so humorless. It's like watching The Hours. Saddest movie ever. Two people commit suicide and the implications of the film are pretty sad too.

Ryan Adams: Sylvia Plath

[21:01] happilynostalgic: fine go play league i do homework
[21:01]: you're such a good girl
[21:01]: some nice guy will settle down with you after he's screwed 50 girls in college

Love Me Sweet

My peanut butter cookies burned yesterday, so my mom helped me bake chocolate chip cookies. They turned out to be a sell-out today at the Interact Bake Sale (which was pretty damn successful--$200 dollars)! Speaking of sweets, I cannot eat another one. I'm pretty sure my pancreas is like the bombed streets of London after World War 2. Except with sugar. I think I might renew my fruit and cracker diet tomorrow.

Today was fairly productive. Helping out with the bake sale for the first and last hours, I spent the four other hours of my day in the library studying for math II and calculus.  I feel more confident in calculus right now, but I'm inclined to go buy the Princeton Review just to reassure myself. Sometimes I wish there weren't as many thoughts in my head, you know? There are so many things to do, but I don't even know where to begin. I look back at the entire year, and I realize that I'm seldom happy. Stress keeps hanging weights on my shoulders, be it school-related or personal.

Happiness, though ephemeral, does come every so often when I'm able to have a real, sincere conversation with someone I care about.

Things are improving. I feel more clearheaded. I'm now able to realize some of my better qualities--tenderness, compassion, and tolerance. I'm growing. Slowly, but it's happening.

Norah Jones (cover): Love Me Tender

Another sun-soaked season fades away

Summation of today: Allen Ginsberg's hipster poetry, US History STAR Test, Brandt, fail cookies, podcast review.

Emotions: Weariness, hopelessness, lovelornness, fear, nostalgia, impetuousness. 

the azure sky is beautiful

bluing out the dimmest of hearts

take me away from this hell-hole to there

crispy, crunchy Eleanor Roosevelt

whose husband told me

to fear nothing by fear itself

i don't need no fucking patriotism

individuality gone

recollections of childhood rendered meaningless

bloodshed, anthrax, agent orange, oil spills, nuclear warfare warranted

Gone am I. Gone am i lost and gone

Clear, Correct, Interesting

Clear, Correct, Interesting.

Barron's AP Language and Composition guide uses these three words to describe good writing. They also suggest writing an essay a day weeks before the test to get used to the 40 minute format of the test. Lately, I feel like my ability to write has dropped to abysmal levels; complacency has rendered me a horrible writer. Writing does require a degree of optimism which I lack right now, so I guess I can't entirely blame my poor writing on complacency. 

STAR testing has been a drag. The test hours are long, and English isn't the class I feel most comfortable in. I spent a lot of the time left in class writing nominations for the Inspirational Awards! Most people think it's silly, but I feel it's really important to acknowledge people for their stellar characteristics. Everyone's good at something! I really needed to write one for Ms. Shea and Mr. Brandt. Most people don't like Ms. Shea, but she's encouraged me to pursue my dreams in science this year. She has helped me believe that with hard work alone, I could accomplish my dreams. I didn't need to be the most talented or the brightest to be the best. On the other hand, Mr. Brandt pushed me in the opposite direction. I've become more of a bleeding heart this year, but the soils of my imagination and unconsciousness have been richened with unorthodox ideas. I love Mr. Brandt.

Anyway, one productive thing has happened because of STAR testing--I finally finished my scholarship prompts for the Cal IAP Scholarship. I doubt I'll get the scholarship, but I still feel obligated to try. The whole process of getting the application complete has really helped me assess myself more positively, so even if I don't get in, it's okay.

Now, it is 6:42. A delicious bowl of spaghetti that looks like chromatin and some garlic bread await me downstairs. Afterwards, I'm ready to curl up with my AP Language and Composition book and On the Beach. Gregory Peck is delicious. Oh, and I should study a bit for the Chemistry test tomorrow!

Catharsis: Take What You Take

I'm sick.

After going on a post-deleting spree, I confronted one realization: these past few weeks have been adverse for me. Sleeping for maybe 3-4 hours a day and experiencing narcolepsy at inappropriate times, I've barely been able to get work done. I've been unable to articulately express myself because I've been so tired and messy, and I've been so worried about being unattractive to a particular person. Tape and glue has held me together for the past month, life pushing me beyond my boundaries. The experience reminded me of the backhanded complacency of first semester sophomore year again. I am ashamed.

The things that apprehend/disappoint me right now: SAT score, French grade, impending doom of AP exams, the fear that my creativity as a writer is over, officer results.

The only good that has come out of stress is my ability to say "no" to people. Living my life as a people pleaser, I think this is the first point in my life where I'm able to assertively reject people. Although disillusioning me from ever being an optimist again, high school has helped me develop independent thought, carry compassion, and harness empathy. I'm happily able to say that I am a hopeful realist more than anything who can get past being a doormat.

I shouldn't even sweat it. I'm luckier than 75% of the world, including the orphaned children in Africa dying of AIDS and the devastated people in Japan. I'm lucky. 

Going back to my point. Looking back at freshman year, I can't believe how many of my acquaintances then have become extremely close friends to me. I still seek solitude, but there are people who I care about deeply and two or three I can talk to. Presenting a placid and calm face to the world, I am a vicarious mess inside. It's weird; I'm incessantly fascinated by people, but I'm a welcomed observer rather than an actual important role. And yet, I can't help but feel such strong emotions through the lives of other people rather than my own. Oh, I digress. I'm distant, but there are a certain handful of people I couldn't survive high school without.

Relationship-wise, I'm still alone. The sad thing is, only creeps ever ask me out (most recent one from sophomore year). When I think about the people who've ever asked me out, I wonder why they like me. I'm just Stacey. Quiet, bookish Stacey who's awfully neurotic and orderless. Come on, I am so petulant and impetuous, it's not even funny. I do things based on my whims.

D., K., & T. know who I like. It's emotionally disgusting--a schoolgirl crush, except I show no signs of interest. Even if my secret did leak out (though I doubt it, because they are trustworthy introverts like myself), my Type A & D personality will affirm him of sarcasm rather than deep affection (respect). He's a deeply complex, incessantly fascinating character. He's intelligent, talented, and amicable, and I harness respect for him. That's all. I don't expect reciprocation. 

Despite loneliness, I've learned to love this year, big time. My experiences as a tutor and a volunteer in the community have just opened up my eyes to the different people of the world. As a tutor, I've met so many diverse young people, each with a different story. Many are bright and motivated, but there are a handful who are deeply complex and misunderstood, and I especially empathize with them. My rapport with my freshmen students, Jose and Kevin, has deepened over the past few months, and we're starting to earn mutual respect for each other. I am extremely proud of their accomplishments, and they've grown so much since we've met.  I would also like to especially thank Kerington, Sonny, Alex, and Thienson for being my friends too. Oh yes, additionally, my experiences as a volunteer has helped me reach out to those who were originally like me, misunderstood and shy. Never forget the importance of small acts of kindness.

Honestly, the stress of high school isn't relationships as much as it is academics. I am extremely grateful for my educational opportunities, but school gets on my nerves way too often. People ask me what my dream college is. I immediately reply, Pomona College. Well, of course I want to go there. Humanities and science? Boner! I honestly would feel extremely comfortable in an underrated liberal arts college. One predicament: My grades are mediocre and my SAT score's off by 350 points (seriously, a 2300 as a target score). I need to try harder. The thought of college just makes me shudder. Realistically, here's my list of schools to apply to: Cal, UCLA, UCSD, Davis, Irvine, U-Dub, NYU, with the first two being the far-reach school. Idealistically: Hopkin's, Reed, Wesleyan, Sarah Lawrence. Yeah, get me out of California. 

I'm filling out an application at the moment for a UC Berkeley scholarship. The personal statements are difficult, and my chances of getting in are low. It's okay though. Longshot, so might as well try!

Well, the month is ahead of me. Call me crazy, but I'm planning to sign up for the SAT II for Math II and US History in May, which is when the AP exams hit hard. Signing up for the SAT I in June too. I've got to keep moving on. I can do this.